Is the “affair down” theory just a defense mechanism?

Okay, before everyone attacks me and I get the “I hate you” emails this is my personal opinion and based off the opinions of my friends and the experiences I have had….I can’t speak for everyone so I could be completely wrong here but I’m going to write this blog entry regardless…

So, there is this wonderful expectation of being female that you have to compete with other females…we have frienemies in addition to our real friends and those aren’t the only women we compete with….there are the women at work, our ex’s new woman and for some women there is the affair partner….I keep seeing all of these articles about how men affair down which basically means that a man will have an affair with a woman who is “less” than his wife however not every article defines what less means…I know there are a handful of women who have extremely low self esteem and will pretty much sleep with any man who gives them an ounce of attention but do these articles really believe that these are the only women that men want to sleep with?  I wanted to give my theories on some of the “affair down” things I have read and why I do not completely agree with them…

The first thing that comes to mind with affairs is a man who can pick the types of woman he wants…if we look at a man who can do this openly without a fear of being caught such as Cody Brown from Sister Wives or a bigamist who hides his life fairly well you will notice a common thread….NONE of the wives are alike…within the Brown family one is homemaker, one is a career woman, one is a trophy type wife and one is unsure of her place and is insecure because of that…if Cody were to have an affair with these women which would be the “affair down”?  The homemaker because she has no career?  Or the career woman because she is not the most attractive?  Or maybe even the trophy wife because she young and inexperienced at life compared to the rest……there is also a movie which deals with a bigamist who is married to three different women who are three completely different personalities and my first thought was how could he be attracted to all of these women, they are nothing alike…but even though a man might be attracted to a certain “type” of woman…when having an affair he is going to seek something that is lacking at home so it is rare his affair partner is going to be the same type of woman he has at home…I even asked quite a few of my guy friends (married, dating and single) and with the exception of one they said if they were going to cheat they would most likely cheat with a different type of woman…..

Another thing these articles focus on is how “ugly” or “fat” the other woman is…typically to the point that a man does not want to be seen in public with the other woman….well I am going to toot my own horn here I know in the cases of the men I have been with that is not the case…as far as my body, many women would kill to have a body like mine, I’m stopped in the gym and asked about my workout routine and diet all the time and my trainer keeps pictures of me in his office for a reason…not to mention plenty of women make comments when they see me eating things that are considered unhealthy about how they wish they could look like me and still eat a cupcake or something similar (everything in moderation) BUT…after talking to men over the years there is no one definition of “pretty”…yes, for the most part our society has certain definitions of what we think an attractive person should look like but it’s rare that every man feels that way…plus unless a man is completely drunk, it is rare he will hook up with someone he is not slightly attracted to….so I have to wonder with this issue if women are just being petty and trying insult a woman that they might see as a threat to their relationship….as for the whole not wanting to be seen in public…with the exception of the higher profile men that I’ve had affairs with, once again this isn’t true on my end because I have gone out with plenty of men that have just been affair partners but did anyone ever consider that when a man is having an affair it’s hard to take another woman out on a date?  There have been awkward moments when a family friend has bumped into the man I was out with and he had to explain who the random woman was and not every guy can explain things like that quickly and easily or keep it in line with whatever he told his wife he was actually doing…

I also hear that the other woman is never as successful as the wife…I am interested in hearing a definition of success for this type of argument…is a successful woman a homemaker, a career woman, a woman who is just happy in life?  Many people accuse me of being unhappy and unsuccessful because I am not married with children but that’s not really the direction I hope my life goes in so I feel we each define our own success…I am happily married to my job and wouldn’t have it any other way so unless a man is having an affair with a crack whore, I don’t think anyone can judge someone else on success level…

I’m sure that I’ll get some backlash for this saying this article was just a defense mechanism for me but I think these affair down theories are defense mechanisms for wives to a certain extent…even when a man breaks up with a woman for a legitimate reason a majority of women will try and find ways that they are better than the new woman in his life and I feel that this “affair down” is no different….just my opinion…you don’t have to agree with it!

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About C.X.Love

I'm the woman that most females hate...I am the other woman in your relationship or in some cases just the woman your husband had an affair with...this MY side of the story, not that you care but maybe some of you can protect your relationships from me...or maybe some of you will just be entertained because my life is amazing...
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51 Responses to Is the “affair down” theory just a defense mechanism?

  1. Interesting perspective as always. G

    • C.X.Love says:

      Thanks, it might be way off but I spent a lot of time reading the articles and they just seemed like bitter women writing for the most part or a friend trying to make another friend feel better about the other woman…IDK though

      • Catherine says:

        C.X. Love.

        I find your opinions were interesting and also very accurate. I am also the ” other woman”, and find myself wondering about my lovers wife constantly. I know a little about her, and she knows about me. Her husband and I have been having an emotional affair for 20 years. I do not sleep with my lover. Although, I have in the past. I do this by choice, but I am sure my lovers wife thinks we are having a sexual affair. She thinks I am obsessed with her husband, and can not fathom that he is the one that began the affair. I can’t help but wonder if they will ever divorce. He has said numerous time he has married the wrong woman, and wants to marry me. I also want to marry him. We are Soulmates. Currently we are not seeing each other nor are we speaking. He is afraid she will take his children away, and he will have to go thru a long, painful custody battle. I also have two children and when my relationship with their Father ended we had a 6 year long custody battle. My lover and I were together when this began and he witnessed the pain it caused me and my children. He is terrified of the same happening to him and his children. His wife continues to control him with this threat, and he does not want to leave his children. I don’t want him to leave his children. I want him to lead them in to a better place, with a good future. I love him and his children. I feel sorry for his wife. Do you think this marriage will last? Any advice on how to make him understand he is not helping his children, but hurting them by staying in this unhappy union. He is very wealthy and I know she stays for the money. I also am very wealthy and it does not help the situation, if he were poor, she would have left long ago. She does not take care of herself nor her household and the children are always ill. How long can this last. She believes I am stalking her husband. I am not! If I were stalking and obsessed with him I would certainly be having sex with him. We are in love with each other and have been for many years. HELP!!!

  2. Athol Kay says:

    The most important factor in an affair is opportunity and women don’t give men less attractive than themselves any opportunity. Women are always looking to fuck “up”. Women are the gatekeepers of sex, so it’s not really about the man making a choice as much as it is the female affair partner making one.

    • C.X.Love says:

      Eh, not really sure what you’re talking about here…women “fuck down” more than men do…a fat unattractive man is much more likely to find a woman before a fat unattractive woman will find a man….sorta why beauty treatments, diets, health clubs, etc are mainly paid for by women…

      • evilalpha says:

        No. Women “fuck up” not down. Never heard of hypergamy?
        What men find attractive is women is not the same as what women find attractive in men. In other words male looks =/= female looks. Too much liberal indoctrination I see.

      • Solbe says:

        You are correct about women putting others down to make themselves feel better. The truth is that every case is unique and there are dynamics in relationships that pertain specifically to the uniqueness of the people in the relationship as a relationship unit. The affair partner and their relationship is probably nothing like the relationship the man or woman is having with their wife or husband. The truth is that people cheat,because they want to. They have a need that isn’t being met. That need may be physical, but women don’t give men enough credit, men are not strictly physical beings, they have emotions too. So, every time you call a woman a whore or see her only as an object, it is YOU who is minimizing her to an object. He felt she was worthy enough of breaking his marriage vows over and sacrificing the loss of his life with you. I don’t know about you, but that is a pretty big risk. So, instead of focusing on her and name calling, figure out what has gone wrong and try to work it out with the man that you, “claim to love”. You can’t possibly love him, if you are going to gripe about he is “your man” and the woman is a whore. Nope, that is just going to make you look like the cheap, petty and pathetic person grabbing at straws. Swallow your pride and woman up, there is no room for pride in love. Figure out what has really gone wrong. Could be that you married the wrong guy, just as well as you may be wrong woman for him. This isn’t a general issue. It is very subjective to the people involved.

  3. I think you make some valid points. I think it would be hard for any of us women to explain a man’s choices and whether he thinks his affair partner is “more or less,” “up or down” from his wife. I would agree that most people who have affairs are seeking something different from what they have. Whether or not that different is “better” in reality, who knows? It’s the “grass is always greener on the other side” mentality. In reality is it? That depends.

    I also think it matters what kind of man you are talking about. A successful and handsome man can attract classy, beautiful women. Other times, they might go for skanky tarts (think Tiger Woods). That fat, unattractive man who is married to a beautiful woman (think The King of Queens) might not be able to find an affiar partner as attractive to sleep with. Others, like the serial cheater or sex addict, might not care at all what their affiar partner looks like. It might be more about opportunity or expediency – who takes the least amount of effort for them to act out with. In those cases, the “affair down” theory definitely fits.

    I think I am a fairly level-headed woman. I can say with certainty that the person my husband found online to act out with was very unattractive by anyone’s standards. She was 30 years old than me, at least 75 pounds heavier, and didn’t take any care for her appearance (the pictures I saw on Facebook of her were quite awful – with crazy hair, no makeup, and tent-like dresses). If that is the face she put forth to the entire world I can only imagine what she looked like in person.

    Of course, there are no hard and fast rules that fit every person or situation. Certainly some men pick affair partners who are slim, attractive, and successful. There are women like you who take great care of themselves and don’t mind sleeping with married men. I don’t know what the percentages are for how many affairs fit that mold, and I doubt anyone does. I can also believe that some women are threatened and look to find any flaw in the “other woman.” I don’t think the “affair down” theory can be completely dismissed, though. Even if it doesn’t apply in all cases, it certainly does in some.

    • I completely agree with Beautiful Mess. You do make some valid points and I agree with a lot of what you wrote.

      I’m sure you might hear a lot of women defend themselves when it comes to this and that is what I am going to do. Maybe one day I will be ballsy enough to put a photo up of me right next to a photo of Paula. (I no longer have the others and don’t know their full names, so I can’t look them up) I’m 34 and 124lbs. She is 44 and probably 190+lbs. She has not aged gracefully. The woman wears blue liner on the bottom lid only, she has platinum blonde hair with grey roots and she mostly just pulls it in a bun/ponytail, so she looks haggard and unkempt. She is a football and Nascar fan (redneck!). Her eyes look sad and her tits look like flapjacks when she’s naked. I’m still perky, thin and I wear MAC makeup and know how to apply it correctly to enhance my appearance without overdoing it or reverting back to a past era. I wear fun, girly clothes that accentuate my figure.

      She is 44, twice divorced with two adult kids and she lives with her parents still because she can’t find a man to leech off of. She doesn’t work and if she does, it’s because one of her family members hooked her up with a job where they work doing a gravy job. She doesn’t have a car. She is constantly fighting with her family. One minute they’re friends on FB, one minute they’re not. I don’t even think her kids care that much for her. I own my own business and I have a luxury SUV (LUV technically). I have a 5 year old son who adores me and two step-kids who love me and call me mom. I am ambitious and want to fulfill my dreams. I think she just lives in the moment however she can.

      I mean, this just doesn’t sound like ANY kind of success to me. She isn’t even a homemaker because it isn’t her home and her kid lives somewhere else. She bounces around from job to job and from man to man. Maybe she is happy with this life. Ok. Maybe Mike enjoyed her worry-free, irresponsible spirit (because he used to be the same way until me). I’ll acknowledge that and agree to be less uptight. One thing he did say that he liked about her was that she listened and didn’t talk to him like a piece of shit; that she was respectful and caring towards him. She found him to be very attractive and wanted to have sex with him. And THAT is what he sought.

      I know he wasn’t seeking a replacement and that is why I don’t feel threatened by her role in all of this. She was just a temporary fill-in until I realized I need to shape up or ship out. (And obviously there were things he needed to fix as well)

      I don’t measure my worth and attractiveness by the things I have or my outward appearance and I understand that those things didn’t matter to Mike during his affair because that was not what he was looking for. But he did pursue less attractive women because he knew they’d be easy. I asked him if it really reassured him that he was still attractive when a woman who would pay attention to ANY man said he was. All he cared about was that she made him feel better about himself in the moment. He didn’t question anything, he didn’t have any expectations, other than getting his needs met.

      So I just wonder if the “affair down” theory is actually a lot like my situation: the Wayward seeking to fulfill needs with whoever will do it for them, often times finding that with someone who is longing to feel wanted and needed as well (or desperate for attention).

      • Solbe says:

        He found in her a friend. That is what he was looking for. This one is very obvious. Because they are less attractive, they are not so caught up in “what can I get in exchange for being hot” They just give of themselves and appreciate the moment. It seems really simple. Beauty is very subjective. Many times it cannot be seen with the naked eye.

  4. Andrew Meyer says:

    You have a great blog. Your insights are educational and entertaining. I have learned a lot and enjoyed reading it. As a man, I would like to contribute an “affair classification”, which I think is relevant to this “affair down” discussion.

    From my experience, men having affairs fall into four categories. Understanding what category the man is in is important for this discussion, because it’s only the fourth type for which the “affair down” question is relevant.

    The first type, serial cheaters, don’t really care about “affair up or down” classifications. Whether they are Tiger Woods or Greg the Garbageman, they catch as catch can. How wealthy or successful they are, has little to do with their success. Granted most of the guys I’ve known who fall in this category are businessmen, their wealth or success does not effect their success. They look for girls who’ll respond and play the game. To them, it’s a hobby and asking the “affair up or down” question is about as meaningful as asking a stamp collector if a new stamp is an “up or down”.

    The second type, what I’ll call “shock cheaters”, are looking to shock. Think Hugh Grant with Divine Brown. What identifies a shock cheater is that they specifically look for shock value. They want to get caught and they want their partner to be shocking. (The desire to get caught may well be unconscious, as I think it was in Hugh Grant’s situation.)

    The third type, I’ll call Elliot Spitzers. These are people who have “become more”. Maybe it’s “more successful” or “more famous” or “more powerful” or “more whatever” and they are expressing their “moreness” and their affair partner needs to reflect this “moreness”. These people are usually careful, don’t want to get caught and usually go with much more attractive women.

    The fourth type, which is the type I’m really interested in as they pertain to this discussion, I’ll call “looking fors”. These are people who are “looking for something they are not getting in their marriage” (or getting too much of). Maybe they’re “looking for someone more attractive”, but usually they’re “looking for someone who makes them feel better about themselves” or “someone who doesn’t nag them” or “someone who does things their wife won’t do” or (most likely) they’re “looking for someone who listens to them”.

    From the “looking fors” perspective, their partner is always an “affair up”, in that she provides what they are looking for. To other people and certainly from their wife’s perspective, the affair partner appears to be an “affair down”, because they don’t see what they are not providing (or providing too much of).

    One final note, a wife asking her “looking for” husband, what he is “looking for” is the surest way to get lied to, especially if he’s trying to escape her nagging or her overlooking him because of kids/work/family/insecurities/craziness/etc.

    My, male, two cents worth.

    • C.X.Love says:

      Thanks for the male perspective and yes you’re right it does depend on the type of affair I really only involve myself within very specific types of affairs so I haven’t experienced all these types of men.

      • Karla says:

        Andrew,
        If your last analysis were true, in which for the man the affair is an “affair up” because the situation is an escapism for him…why doesn’t he leave the wife and move up the ladder of emotional satisfaction with the affair partner?

        Ah ….men….excuses, excuses, excuses when they are too fearful or insecure to face the realities of family life…..

  5. I agree with you’re reasoning. I would personally lash out against the other woman’s “defects” out of a pure defence mode.

    If I had found out my partner cheated, I would be feeling angry, hurt, confused, sad, insecure and vulnerable. All those factors would result in low self-confidence and low self-esteem.
    So would I bash the other woman and try to justify her as a “affair-down”?

    Hell Yes!

    When you are feeling those things above you are at a all time low, the only thing left you can do is bash the other woman’s short-comings to try and make yourself feel better.

    The betrayed spouse has every right to do this. If it helps them move on or try to justify any part of the affair scenario, then I will join the bashing session with them!

    • C.X.Love says:

      I’ve always felt that trying to find negative things about someone just to make yourself feel better is a bit unhealthy but that’s just me…

      • I’ve always felt that having an affair with a married man or an attached man is a bit unhealthy but that’s just me…

      • C.X.Love says:

        Nope…that’s quite a few ppl…luckily I’m ok living my life the way I do…and this is my blog so I’m also ok sharing my opinions on it!

      • AnonWriter says:

        Believe me, when you’ve been cheated on by your spouse of 15 years, worrying about whether your behavior is a little unhealthy is not a concern. For the first few months, It takes everything you have just to make it through the day.

  6. letterstotheotherwoman says:

    My husband’s online affair partner WAS more attractive than I am, which makes me feel incredibly insecure and vulnerable, even though he says her appearance had nothing to do with it and that he thinks I’m beautiful. I know I’m intelligent and funny and educated and that I would not stoop to trolling for married men online, so there’s that.

    • Lainie says:

      Fact is, regardless of appearances and all those externals, if the other is willing to cheat with someone who’s married, the other lacks integrity and values. Hence, affair down. That’s skanky to knowingly have an affair with someone married. Thus, affair down. The cheater is looking for someone to fulfill their fragile ego needs. It’s always, affair down.

  7. kellytaddea says:

    As the only girl in a family of six brothers I have watched how my brothers seem to be more opportunistic and interested in a variety of experiences with women who look different, have different personalities, backgrounds,ect..

    I ask them why they do not seem to have a preference and I’m left with the impression that sexual excitement for them comes from changing what they have experienced to what they have not so it is the different partner that creates the excitement, not so much what is different about her.

    They are not looking for mothers for their children but amusement park rides and because it is easy for them to find woman who say yes to sex, their play is unrestricted leaving men who have no options as the only available partners behind who will be mongamous so monogamy is not a choice but a condition of circumstances.

    I have learned this is called spinning plates and they are very good at it.

    • C.X.Love says:

      Pretty much…I read a lot of women brag about how they “kept” their husband after an affair…but an affair isn’t supposed to be a very serious relationship so of course he wasn’t going to leave his wife…but the amusement park ride analogy is true for the most part…

      I’m a little torn on your theory abt sexual excitement though…based on my personal experiences that’s far from true

      • Karla says:

        Cx Love,
        Her theory is simple. If you are having an emotional affair with a husband without sex, then you are right. It’s not about the sex.
        But if there is sex involved, the sex is what matters most to them. It’s not really difficult for a guy to play the part of being a friend to the affair partner. They compartmentalize very well. They separate the friendship from the sex, the affair partner from the wife, etc…etc…

  8. Ariella says:

    I do believe that a lot of men affair down, however, not all. I agree with some things you said, but all in all, yes men affair down. As far as what you stated that you are attractive and have a bangin body, not all men cheat with women like this. As for John, he has told me that attractive women are more confident and expect more for the most part. He says that a slightly chubby (understatement, but hey) and less attractive women is more willing to do the things that you want to do. This I have to agree with.

    Why do I believe John’s last woman was an affair down from me? Well, for many reasons. First of all, she is not very attractive. I mean, it is what it is. Of course I don’t like her so it is easy for me to say this, but really she is not. She is about 5″ 1″ and probably weighs about 155-160. She is chunky, and that is me being nice. She lives in her friends basement, drives a vehicle that is very old with a large dent in it. She dresses well, let me not even go there. She is almost 29 years old and has nothing going for her. She does hair, but. . .apparently that is not paying the bills. I saw her driving down the road the other day and I just had to laugh. It was truly priceless and I honestly say it made me feel better. Now me, I am not as small as I used to be, I have children, but am still in pretty good shape. I am financially stable, run two successful businesses, starting my 3rd actually, own a home, have good credit, have gorgeous hair (this bothers me that she does hair and hers is a mess) drive a nice car, have good children, dress well, and walk around smiling and confident all day long regardless of what I am going through. Yes, John affaired down with this one and the others too. She has absolutely no style what so ever and that is fine. I do not run around town with a coach knock off handbag and jewlery from the dollar store. She tries to be too much, where as I am enough. I look better in a sweat suit then she could in a cocktail dress. It is what it is.

    John once slept with a woman who had a banging body and was very attractive. I could not say that she was ugly or fat. However, she was a 25 year old woman who was a stripper and did not have a car and lived with her mother. So yes, although she was attractive, she was still to me considered an affair down.

    I am in no way saying that I am “the shit” but I am very well kept together. It is what it is. Again, I came from a different world then these women. Jay-Z said it best. “You can go to school but you can’t buy class. . .”

  9. Ariella says:

    Oh and one more thing. When a man is drunk and the lights are off and they are on their knees. . . I don’t think it matters what their face looks like. Im just saying. . .

    • C.X.Love says:

      LMFAO never thought of it that way…but I wouldn’t settle for some of the things that girl did…I might not be a guy’s wife but I’ll be dammed if he straight up treats me like a side chick (not calling, only hitting me up for sex, etc.)…I guess it’s the type of married men I choose to be with…

    • Karla says:

      Lol Ariella! My brother used to say that!

  10. AnonWriter says:

    A few reasons ‘why’ guys cheat:

    It’s easy. Easier than fixing problems in the marriage, anyway.

    Ego boost. They want to feel like they’ve still got it, that women still find them attractive. Their wives are married to them, so their wives are not a good indicator of this.

    Thrill. It’s a secret life, it’s dangerous, sex is involved.

    NSA sex. You don’t have to work out life problems with an affair partner, it’s just sex and maybe companionship. It creates a second person in a man’s life where everything is easy and enjoyable.

    As for affairing ‘down’, I do think this is common because it’s easier to affair down. It also gives the man more power in the affair, which he might use to help him keep it secret.

    • Karla says:

      Yep, that’s pretty much what all this fair business is about…

      There is one missing point, which is statistically measured: opportunity. That is apparently the first reason why men cheat based on sociological and psychological studies.

      Great post. Thanks.

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  12. Sana says:

    I feel like my husband’s AP was an affair down simply because I think anyone who is willing to have an affair with a man who would lie, cheat and betray his wedding vows has little honor, personal integrity or self-love.
    Was she thinner than me? At the time, yes. Did she have a perfect body, no.
    Was she prettier than me? I think so.
    Certainly she was younger. Young enough to be our daughter.
    Did she have a better job than me? No, She was a college student while I worked full-time and had the responsiblity of the house and kids too.
    Was she smarter or more interesting than me? I doubt it. Life experience makes you wiser.
    But she did two things I did not. She LISTENED to him, AND she TALKED to him about stuff other than family stuff. SHE was an affair up TO HIM at the time because she talked to him about INTERESTING stuff, instead of the bills are due, can he take our son to the dentist tomorrow because I have a meeting or the car broke down.
    At first, she was his perfect lover, always made-up and nice, ready for sex or conversation or to watch TV in a quiet place without kids running around or me asking for help with homework etc.
    It was a perfect escape from the reality of a life in which his father had just died, his job was boring, he’s getting older, his wife is overweight, unattractive to him, too busy working full-time, taking care of the kids and bills and too resentful of the lack of help on his part to give him the attention and affection he needs.
    He was her knight in shining armor rescuing her from loneliness after a break-up with a boyfriend.
    He’s smart, funny and mature, unlike the guys she has been dating. He has a rescuing helpless women complex. If SHE called about how to put up a ceiling fan, he was over there helping her. If I wanted a ceiling fan put up he looked at it as just another chore. If she ran out of gas, off to help her would go her knight, if I did, I walked in a thunderstorm to get gas because i knew he’d be mad that i let the tank get that low. Maybe I projected too much independence, but I really NEEDED him and he felt like he had to take care of HER. (this came out after D-day)
    After she started applying the pressure and demands, the affair bubble burst, and reality set in. He became unhappy with her too. As it turns out, he was her confidence builder to go find a man her own age. Then she slept with other guys as well as him in an attempt to convince him to leave me. The final straw. What a woman!
    So it’s all in your perception, he obviously thought affair up at the time, now four years later, he at least says that was not the case. Not sure I believe that. I imagine she thought she was a step up from the way he projected me to her. I imagine if she thinks of him or me at all, she probably still feels that way and feels sorry for him that he is with me. I still think affair down because anyone who could knowingly help put a family through the hell wrought by their actions is not a step up, no matter how they look. It’s a matter of character. Did our marriage have issues. Yes. That is no reason to engage in an affair with a married person, If she were so much better than me, she would have held out for him to be honorable and leave me prior to becoming intimately involved instead of abetting the secrecy and lies. JMO.

    • Clarice Herman says:

      I have to agree… I am living this mess with my three kids and her one child. Anyone willing to place herself directly into the middle of a sticky divorce situation has got to be a little broken. Maybe looking for excitement? a lift for her boring life? who knows … but there is definitely a lack of respect for the family unit by them both, lack of respect for the children involved, and a lack of respect and common courtesy for a 23 year relationship. If the shoe was on the other foot I can honestly say I would keep the kids out of it until the divorce was final and that I would be discrete and respectful. Whether or not she is beautiful or successful is irrelevant… I honestly think these types of relationships are essentially more down than up for all concerned.

      Moreover, of course people having affairs would try to justify it by saying that the Affair down concept is inaccurate. Yes, do spin it as the people having affairs are really justified… relationships are not continually blissful (especially when raising children)… how about promoting hard work and acceptance of each other as long term partners. Affairs are the easy way…

    • Karla says:

      Awesome post. I agree with you totally. You have guts!

  13. WTF says:

    BITCH is all i have to say

  14. Tess says:

    If your so hot..why are you having to date married men? You cant find one of your own?? Or is it a power trip for you to to crap in the face of the married women…

    (((YOU SAID: but even though a man might be attracted to a certain “type” of woman…when having an affair he is going to seek something that is lacking at home))))

    There will always be something lacking at home…this is a phenomenon that happens in every single home on the planet..but you don’t see everyone out there committing adultry do you?

    That is the poorest excuse on the planet for an affair..

    IF YOU NEED MANY SEX PARTNERS TO BE HAPPY..THEN DONT MARRY ANYONE..

    I had a very long conversation with my ex before our marriage..and explained to him I had come from a broken home..and didnt want that for our future children..He assured me he was not like that..and his family was all about intact family..and it was…all but his. I thought i had made a good investment..so to speak..

    But like I said..when your name is on the door of a rather large company…the BITCHTRESSES LIKE ROACHES..COME OUT OF THE WOODWORK..and my ex having low self esteem due to his fathers abuse…soaked it up like a sponge.

    His secretary..was one of his mistress’s…we would go to lunch together her and I..

    She confessed everything to me..and gave me the names and cities of the other women my husband had dated in the past..

    I COULD NEVER DATE A MARRIED MAN..AND DESTROY HIS CHILDREN’S LIVES..WHAT ARE THESE PARASITE PEOPLE THINKING OF WHEN THEY ENTER INTO OUR TERRITORY…WHERE THEY DO NOT BELONG???

    DO THEY EVER THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY ARE DOING TO THE WIVES..THE CHILDREN.? How after the fun affair with you..they come home to their REAL LIVES…of homework…chores…bills…children events…WE LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD..YOUR affair with our husbands is a FANTASY WORLD….NOT REAL..WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? DISNEYLAND? ITS A VERY UNFAIR ADVANTAGE YOU HAVE OVER US WHO HAD TO LIVE IN THE REAL WORLD OF FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES…WITH OUR HUSBANDS…IT IS WE WHO MAKE THE SACRIFICES…NOT YOU…

    they come home and are abusive to us because of you…..cause were not as fun as you..but hell….I WAS UP AT 6 AM….AND MY DAY Consisted of feeding our 16 horses and cattle TWICE A DAY…weeding the garden…. soccer practice…helped the kids with their homework…PLAYED FOR A WHILE WITH MY KIDS….made a fresh ALWAYS HOMECOOKED meal for my family…washed 3 loads of laundry and folded them…and ironed his work shirts….and melted into my bed around 11…THIS IS THE REAL WORLD..

    What you do..by creating your fun fantasy world…is cruel…to him and his family.

    Some Men are stupid, like my ex.. AND EASILY led by their egos..and their penis…I

    HIS BITCHTRESS has done him no favor at all…

    They fight all the time…and she looks anorexic..sickly…

    And hes an angry man bitch all the time…so much so..no one likes him or respects him anymore…not even his own children…

    He wasn’t quite like that when he and I were one..We were respected members of our community..WE were involved in all kinds of clubs…Leaders…We had ooodles of friends..

    I asked him…if he thought by leaving me..for her…that his life would remain the same?? I really think he thought that was going to be the case.

    Needless today..I GOT THE FRIENDS..NO ONE LIKED THE BIMBO..THE MEN KNEW WHAT A WHORE SHE WAS…but she sure fooled my hubby with no wisdom..A WOMAN WHO CHEATS MANY TIMES ON HER HUSBAND DOES NOT MAKE FOR A VERY GOOD INVESTMENT FOR HIS FUTURE..But he was that way too..I never knew until after our divorce.

    ..IT BET HE CANT GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING WITH HER…SHES KNOWS ALL THE TRICKS OF HOW TO COMMIT ADULTERY…LMAO..BOTH OF THEM..UNABLE TO TRUST ONE ANOTHER…..WOW..WHATTA HELL THAT MUST BE.

    There are some people who always think the grass is greener on the other side..but are fools..and soon learned the hard lesson that that grass on the other side has thorns and stickers in it..and it tastes bitter..although it looked green and lush..

    So the moral to the story is…what you parasites offer…is hell…You have nothing good to offer…and one day..your looks will deteriorate..then what will you have left? NOTHING.

    YOU LIVE IN A FANTASY WORLD..YOUR EGO IS DISGUSTING…YOU HAVE NO WISDOM..YOUR WORDS PROVE THAT

    And by dating our men..you destory their lives…and the lives of the women and children as well

    HOw can you even live with that thought..Your like hurricanes..destroying everything in your path..instead of creating and building..like we wives and good husbands do…through our sacrifices…and you…..you are hells fire of destruction

    I think you like being told off, hearing our anger and anxieties..from out great losses..

    ..It makes you feel powerful to control other peoples lives from afar..

    • Marilyn says:

      Tess, I feel your pain that you went through. 2012 was my year of hell. I found out my husband was hanging out at a friends house who had a couch slut staying with him. My husband would hang out there and she must have paid special attention to him and he was probably giving her attention as well,because when he started not coming home I went over there and caught them. She was spilling out of her clothes, her breasts were under her chin. Definitely an affair down. I found out she was an unemployed stripper sleeping on a friends couch, no car, and was a felon. Shortly after finding out about them I find out she was taken to jail. Karma! : ) But it didn’t end yet. He paid for her to have an account while she was in jail, talked to lawyers to try to help her. I didn’t know but she was calling him everyday with him paying to her account so she could make very expensive calls. She is petite as I am but a lot thinner. She was also into drugs that was part of her legal problems. I am 47 she is 33, I have a full time job I have had for 25 yrs, 2 children, 1 who is still at home. I have never had any legal problems, never had drug issues, and have taken care of myself since I was 19 as a single mom.

      I spent the first few months barely feeling alive, numb from the pain and betrayal. I wasn’t there for my kids and family the pain was so unbearable I never thought I could get past the emotional and physical pain I felt. I lost weight, I was having anxiety, I would cry when I was alone, my son left home because he hated what his dad had done. That was so hard especially since it was his senior year and my son had such a hard time dealing with his dads betrayal as well. He would call me and we would just cry on the phone. In a way it was a relief because I didn’t want my son to see the way I was and I was barely there for myself. He did not talk to his dad for months.

      I did do some detective work and found out things. He was wining and dining her, paying for hotels, and liquor. This was prior to jail obviously. My husband was spending more time at home, and we were trying to repair our marriage. But then she got out of jail. It wasn’t at all long enough. She knew he was married and still had no problems of getting what she wanted. My husband had told me he had spent a lot of money on her in the short amount of time that they were together previously to me finding out. On top of what he had been paying to her account in jail. I saw a bank statement he had put $350 for the felon for just one month. The worse was yet to come when I found out he had gotten an apartment in his name for her so she would have a place to go after she got out of jail. I found out when looking at the caller ID that an apt place had called. So I called back out of curiosity and they said they were trying to reach their tenant, my husband. I said excuse me my husband has a residence here then they said they could not give me any information. He said he was helping since she is felon. In the mean time while he was paying for the roof over her head our electric was cut off, phone, and cable. I remember shoveling snow from the driveway crying, crying that my husband wasn’t here doing it. Very unhappy memories.

      She found herself her own man so my husband finally got it that she was using him.
      After a year of marriage counseling it has helped me so much. Anxiety is gone, I realize the problems we had in our marriage led to me resenting him which led to me pushing him away. But women who have affairs with married men have no clue to the
      devastation that happens to the mans family. My son who had never tried drugs started using pot to ease his pain, we couldn’t afford an 18th bday or a graduation party because my husband was paying for roof over the free loader head.

      So I have no sympathy for a woman who chooses knowingly to be with a married man.
      She is lacking something in her life to be part of the utmost of betrayals. She has gone back to stripping and is out of our lives. I have forgiven my husband but the pain I will never forget.

  15. Tess says:

    opps..forgot…’AFFAIR DOWN’

    Shes thinner than me…but is very dishonest and manipulating…

    NOt very smart..but skilled in the art of deception and manipulation…I guess some men could think that is interesting.

    My ex had an AFFAIR DOWN for sure..

    She has always tried to mimick me…

    She knows Im the better more superior person…She knows his life was better with em..than with her..but she doesn’t care…SHES GOT THE MONEY NOW..AND THAT IS WHAT SHE WANTED…SHE WOULD HANG OUT WITH US..AND SHE WAS SCHEMING ON MY GIRLFRIENDS HUBBY..AND MINE..BOTH HAD MONEY, but my girlfriends husband was going bankrupt..and when BITCHTRESS found that out..she honed in on my husband..

    Shes a narcissist and everything is about her..She has no feeling for anyone..even her own children she treated like little doggies in the kennel..that she would take out and play with occasionally when she was having a mother pang.. unlike me who had my kids involved in everything and I was always with them.

    Shes is still thinner than me..and ..very jealous of me….I have a very curvy figure…great breasts…small waist..she looks like a little boy..no tits..

    My husband is gone queer I guess.and likes to rove his hands over a man like body..lmao.But also..in his family..all the women look more like her..no tits ..no hips..

    Actually I think his attraction to her was the fact that she was just as devious…and adulterous as he was…BIRDS OF A FEATHER FLOCK TOGETHER….but sometimes…what you think you want…isnt what you thought it was..

    My hubby is soooo miserable today..Im sure he misses his kids…his very devoted forgiving wife who never stalked him like she does out of distrust….those home cooked meals i prepared…and the fun we used to have….His ego would not allow him to apologize for what he did to me..HE NEVER SAID HE WAS SORRY FOR ANYTHING OUR ENTIRE MARRIAGE.But he was the man God wanted me to be with..so I stuck it out.

    Shes a looser…and my husband defiantly had an ‘AFFAIR DOWN’..If he looses that money..she will be out of there like a rocket..She doesnt love him..she loves all that money he loves to spend..It burns a hole in his pocket..He likes acting like the big rich man in front of others…

    Im positive ..shes got another man somewhere..She always did with her own hubby..and the leopard never changes its spots..

    And my leopard..I hear..is having an affair on her as well.

    OH WHAT A TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE..WHEN AT FIRST THEY DO DECEIVE..LMAO.

    LMAO…LMAO…Ive never seeked revenge …The bible said that revenge belongs to the Lord..

    My conscience is clean..I have no worries..no guilt…

  16. Tess says:

    ==============================================

  17. Tess says:

    YOU MODERATE THESE POSTS…HHHMM..YOU PROBABLY WONT POST MINE..LOL

  18. nolongertheow says:

    I agree with your defense mechanism theory. I think once the cheating partner is caught… they will say anything about the OP to their spouse in order to soften the blow.

  19. Olesammie says:

    I have to say my husband of 28 years had an affair and then left me for her. I am hurt and heart broken but I am getting over it, I keep reading about this affair down thing. I don’t think he affaired down, he just went for different. I am blonde and have a curvaceous figure, not fat however I am well endowed but a healthy BMI. Marilyn type, told that my whole life, the OW is very different. Maybe he just wanted a change? All through our long marriage I knew he didn’t really like blondes, made me wonder why he married me as I am a natural blonde in every way, guess I found out that you can’t suppress what you truly find attractive. Just wish he hadn’t wasted my entire life before he discovered his true self and desires.

    That is the real point here, these men waste women’s lives, then destroy them for good measure because they feel guilty, that is what happens, it is everywhere, just look at the net. Desperately hurt and destroyed woman just have to find some comfort somehow, they go for the affair down because it is hard to explain the incomprehensible and that is a quick win. Try not to judge us too harshly, we just have to find comfort where we can whilst our lives are dismantled beneath us. We try to fight but it is very hard, so we go for what little comfort we can get. In the end most of us are better for the betrayal, who wants to be married to a liar and a cheat? Women are resilient and come out fighting eventually, just try to be kind, we didn’t expect it and we didn’t ask for it. Give us a chance and we get there eventually, it is just a crutch to our destroyed confidence to believe she is beneath us. The reality is that she is actually just different and new. It took me a long time to get that, men are fickle creatures, especially when it comes to sex.

    The fact is that I have a successful career and she works part time as I once did, but I am only now understanding my success was a threat to him, he has effectively found a woman who was me before I found my self and started to fulfil my aspirations. Do I think he is affairing down, no I think he is going back to familiar and wants a woman who isn’t going to achieve more than he does. Men are very competitive and I was out stripping him mainly due to the economic down turn but also because I had a career I loved whilst he hated his. You just do better when you are happy.

    Most of us betrayed wives have been treated very badly,although my WS has been nicer recently, very badly indeed so show some compassion, you never know when you might find yourself in my shoes. I never for one moment thought I would end up the bitter, betrayed wife, none of us ever do. You would do well to remember that before you get on your soap box.

  20. Jolene says:

    As soon as a man finds a woman willing to sleep with him knowing he is married, he has affaired down, as the maturity and morals are lacking. A mentally health good looking women, doesn’t want to share, and has all the skills to land a emotional available single man. So yes it is almost always an affair down. Please understand that when you sleep with a married man you are a downgrade to the legitimate wife no matter what, and you will be only illegitimate. A man isn’t willing to cheat because you are better, that’s the first mistake, its because you are willing, and that’s it. But when the affair is exposed then you will have to deal with the facts that not only are you not second to the wife, more likely last to every woman he dated before the marriage. Even if in a pretty package, which usually not, a man even if he is a cheat, will not ever respect a woman that’s willing to cheat with him.. He knows the difference between a wife and whore. He gives a wife, his name, his children, his checkbook, his body, and his heart. The other, just a quickly when convenient, and that’s it. He could care less how she spends her time, if she is educated, if she has a good credit score, if she’s attractive, if she properly cares for any children. He just don’t care, because it doesn’t matter, she has only one purpose, and once she done her job, he could care less. So yes, affair down is real and automatic because he’s not even looking at you for wife qualities’ even if there is some there, as by agreeing to sleep with him knowing he’s married your no longer qualified for anything but…

  21. Geena says:

    I fully agree with you. I have it all in the typical American Dream vernacular: marriage, kids, education, friends. Yet, something was missing. The ex I tried to fulfill that void with has a wife who used pregnancy entrapment to secure a future with him. The rest is none of my business. I am working in making our affair ancient history, but the one thing I noticed and was told is that the wife was not as attractive as me.

  22. Nikki says:

    well said, Jolene – people often misinterpret the term ‘affair down” and apply it to an uglier, fatter, less appealing, less successful affair partner. the fact is, a gorgeous PhD is an affair down just by virtue of the fact that she inserts herself into that situation. any well-adjusted, mature, mentally-stable woman would never consider putting herself in that position. affair downs, and by extension, ANY affair partner typically has emotional/mental issues that make them easy targets to the emotionally/mentally stunted married men that seek them out. these women are only special in that they are the weak beast in the herd, easily separated from the pack, no great prize at all.

  23. Tess… Damn…. the BITTERNESS !
    Just HOW long have you been divorced ?
    I can understand why he cheated on you !
    OMG… no wonder he left you .

  24. BTW.. “we ” never even think about you , so never think “we” are controlling your life, wanting to destroy your family…. your “H” has done that all by himself . In my mind the “W” ceased to exist, b/c your husband NEVER wanted to cloud our times together…. with your unpleasant memory. He wanted to enjoy my company at a nice lunch, a quite walk , a stolen kiss while shopping, and NO it was never about just sex. As my MM used to say….”it’s not about sex… it’s about us !”
    IMHO… most been DO NOT affair down… that is something the RIC wants you to believe, so you will buy their , books , cd, programs…. so you will line their pockets. They take advantage of you… more so that”we” do.
    Less than 25 % will survive an affair, majority will try to make it work, but 18-24 months after. Then most couples will end the marriage.
    You are a fool if you think you will be happy after an affair… as TESS has shown, the bitterness and resentment will eat you alive.
    You will never “get over this”. NEVER.
    You will throw this shit in his face forever…..you will always have doubts and always feel “less than”. A MM will always try to “save the marriage”b/c it is cheaper to keep her” Ex-wives are just too much of a financial burden… so they stay… and when they feel the”coast is clear” they will cheat on you again. They have no respect for you… because you have done for yourself!
    The best you can do for you & your family is to get a divorce and re-build a healthier life for all.
    Please read Tracy Schorn … the Chumplady.com…. you can vent there .

  25. Just Sayin' says:

    I believe affairs sometimes have to do with looks, but majority of the time-it’s about how someone makes them feel.

  26. Divorceacheater says:

    I have to be honest with you wives here, I am in SHOCK that you all enable this kind of behavior and let your husbands get away with it! My first husband cheated on me, hence, he is no longer my husband, but is now the ex-husband. I am not sure if I consider his AP an “affair up” or an “affair down” because she isn’t much prettier, thinner or successful than me. Her personality may or may not have been considered up or down, I didn’t know her. But what I did know is this. Men who will cheat on their wives once will do this again. As a wife, I was not going to enable his behavior and try to “reconcile the marriage” because we signed a piece of paper called a marriage license. Staying with my husband when I discovered his affair why not the hand of cards I was willing to play in my book and he was done. He cried, begged and pleaded, but he was still done. I filed for divorce and never looked back. Call me heartless if you will, but I am not an enabler. Infidelity is not like alcoholism or a drug addiction, it is betrayal at will, with the BS continuing to betray knowingly with the AP.

    I have been married to a wonderful man now for more than 10 years, who when I met, was separated from his wife. He had cheated during their marriage, however, this wasn’t the reason he divorced her. I know, this scenario should have been a hindsight 20/20 for me not to get involved. I actually held guilt for awhile over this because after all, he was still married, but I took it extremely slowly with him until his divorce was final. I went around in circles deciding if I wanted to start a serious relationship with him after his divorce and because of his past, but I did anyways. We’ve never been happier and here we are 10+ years later. We talk about his past and he explains to me how he cheated a few times throughout their marriage, the biggest reason being, she enabled it. He feels that because she took him back, it was okay for him to continue to cheat because if he were caught again, she would enable to same behavior again. Cheating was a cold, dark time for him and he wouldn’t do it again, he states. I believe him.

    Every woman out there needs to realize that enabling this behavior to stay in the convenience marriage will not work. You will either eventually get sick of the multiple cheating incidents and divorce him, or he will eventually fall in love with an AP he feels a soul mate connection with, and he will divorce you. My first husband cheated on his 2nd wife and ended up leaving her, almost seems as though he was beating her to the punch because he knew that I divorced him so quickly when I found out. Who knows, really. Divorce is the only answer after you discover infidelity otherwise get ready for a long, depressing, battle with trust issues and future cheating. Don’t put that on yourselves, you deserve to be happy!

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