Nice guys finish last because most act creepy!

Now, this isn’t a blog entry I was planning to write (it’s way off the topic of my normal blogs) but a guy came up to some of my friends and I the other night at the bar while we were eating dinner and whined that he wanted to be more like my male friends…he dubbed them “assholes” (I can see how they could come off as this but they aren’t) and said he wanted to be more like them.  They have no issues talking to women, can pick up women wherever they go, get p*ssy when they want it and honestly have no issues getting into relationships when they want one.  I broke it down for this guy as nicely as possible on why as a nice guy he could NEVER get into the league that my male friends were in and he actually started crying…um, I’m not heartless but seriously, I don’t have balls and if a guy is crying over something I would cry over as a female then there’s an issue…so here is my list for all the nice guys out there of why you’re finishing last….you don’t have to stop being nice mind you, you just need to stop being creepy…I’m sure that a few of “the alpha men” and the “the pick up” artists will have a lot to say about this post since they hate women giving men dating advice but I am damn well qualified to do so since I am a woman who seems to think like a man…

-STOP BLOWING UP OUR PHONES…if you are not a close friend, a boyfriend or family…you have NO RIGHT to blow up our phone, yes, we enjoy knowing a man is interested in us as women but interested does not come in the form of 10000000 texts/calls per day right in the beginning…that just annoys the crap out of us and wants to make us throw our phones out of the window while we’re driving 70mph on the highway…..seriously a few texts a week is all it takes! 

-Stop allowing yourselves to be used…when you meet a woman, you most likely do not think one who open her legs the second you meet her is relationship material…the same goes for a man that opens his wallet and overspends on us trying to impress us.  This is all relative now because most of my friends including myself are fairly successful so when one of my male friends buys an entire bar a round of drinks so many women have immediately thought OMG he wants me (over ONE drink, seriously?!)…however if within the first few hours/days of meeting us you’re paying for everything under the sun and giving up everything to be around us and at our beckoned call…we as females know we can use you.  Especially if you allow us to make plans with you and continuously cancel without cutting us off…

-Don’t hang all over us…yes, you know us at some point, yes we’re friends (maybe?) but at no point should you feel the need to join yourself at the hip the second you see us in public…don’t hang all over us and become a second shadow, that is creepy and annoying and NO ONE wants to put up with that

-Have your own interests…it is not up to us to entertain you 24/7…I personally love autonomy in any relationship and when a man makes it overly known that if he’s not out with me or talking to me he has nothing to do and whines about being bored and missing me (there is a fine line here, a nice I miss you if you’re interested is nice but only ONE and even then don’t push it unless it’s getting serious) then I want him to get a damn life…..even if you don’t have a life…freakin fake it…

-Watch how you treat your “friends”…a common thing with so called “nice” guys is they bend over backwards for women who use them and shit on their friends until the current user has dumped them and upset them for the last time…we as women will notice this and you will come off as an asshole but not a self confident asshole that makes a man attractive…just an asshole who doesn’t know how to treat people…stop doing it!

-STOP CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU! (this goes for men and women)  This is easier said than done but the easiest way to start doing this is to start living by the mindset of “what other people think about me is none of my business”…beyond that there are basic ways to do this…if someone doesn’t like you, that’s their issue…ignore them…..don’t go out of the way to try and be everyone’s friend…when you concern yourself with stupid stuff, you stress about stuff and then you whine about stupid stuff…

-Act like a man…if a woman wants a heart to heart she has female friends…if a woman wants someone to be overly emotional she has female friends…if a woman finds a man who is always indecisive, insecure, whiny and annoying well your ass is gonna get friend zoned because we associate you with our female friends…men do not act like women…get that through your head…I can’t actually tell you how to be a man because well, I’m a woman but maybe you can learn from someone if you’re not grasping the concept

 

Okay…this post was far off from my normal posts but I’m seriously sick of hearing about how nice guys finish last…well these reasons are most likely some of the reasons you’re finishing last…you don’t have to stop being a “nice” guy…you just need to be someone a woman wants to be with…and for goodness sakes…don’t ask about yourself then start crying!

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Are your insecurities ruining your relationship?

Women are naturally jealous of other women…luckily I seem to be unable to feel this emotion of jealousy even when I think it is necessary.  I’ve noticed however some women force the jealousy issue so much it damages their relationship for no reason…I’ve been accused of sleeping with men I have never slept with to the point women have filed for divorce or broken up with their boyfriends because they were jealous of our friendship.  Men quickly get sick of being accused of cheating when they are not and usually hate having to defend an innocent relationship with a female friend…eventually if a man is accused of cheating he might as go ahead and do it or he’s simply going to look for a relationship free of false accusations…

I know reading this blog many women find it hard to believe that I do not chase men but it’s true, men chase me.  There is an art to being a female and I do not have it mastered but I do have it down pretty well.  Looking your best, having confidence, mastering the art of conversation, having manners and basically being the best you that you can be goes a very long way with men.  Some women see this and admire it in it me…I get plenty of compliments for always being so “together” and “beautiful” from other women which I think is really sweet but I also get plenty of bitterness from women who have their own insecurities and seem to blame women like me for their own insecurities.  This can in turn cause issues in your own relationship when you project your own insecurities onto you significant other and force them to attempt to make up your lack of self confidence and self esteem.  Most men enjoy a woman who is confident about herself and the relationship she is in…

Just some food for thought…

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Married and looking…?

So, I’ve gotten the question a few times…why do I go after married men?  I can say I prefer a married man over a single man (even with f**k buddies people cross boundaries and have odd expectations) but I never actively search for married men…they find me. 

The past 4 days in a row I have gone to bars and been hanging out with groups of single friends…I am now staring at 8 phone numbers that I gathered over these 4 days and 7 of these 8 men were wearing wedding rings (one even came over to my area of the bar and left his wife sitting at the other end then casually slipped a business card to me after we had chatted for awhile)…I know plenty of people think that I should call out these men for being married instead of calling them (I most likely won’t bother calling them anyway) but why should it be my responsibility to take care of a relationship that is not mine?  I guess in theory if every female said no to married men they would not have affairs but that is unrealistic and I am not going to care about a relationship that has no bearing on my life…so here is a breakdown of some of the married men who openly approached me and were clearly looking…

Guy #1…came and sat down next to me and casually asked me what I was drinking (I normally drink oddly colored drinks but even so good conversation starter)…he even mentioned his wife was out of town with the kids so he had free time and was just looking for a fun night out.  After chatting with him for a little bit (and sadly ignoring my friends) and letting him buy me a few drinks he started asking me basic questions about my relationship status (why does it matter if I’m single?!  he’s not) and what my plans were for the rest of the night even mentioning that his house was right around the corner and we could continue to drink there if I wanted (even if I wasn’t with my friends, I’m not stupid enough to pop over to a man’s house like that)…when I declined he cashed out his tab and thanked me for the company and said he would love to get together sometime for at least coffee and handed me a # on the back of his receipt….I guess at that point I am expected to either make a comment about his wife or family or maybe just decline the number but he clearly had no issues with potentially cheating, so why should I?

Guy #2…this guy casually left his wife at one end of the bar and used the excuse that he could see the game better by sitting by me, we had a long conversation about sports and he mentioned that he wished his wife knew about sports and realized they were “fun” to watch and then he started with all the issues he had with his wife “she doesn’t take care of herself anymore”, “I had to drag her out tonight and she’s boring”, etc. he eventually found out I have a condo and mentioned that I should invite him over to watch sports and maybe some of you read this and think that’s what he really wants to do but why would he have slid me his business card and said we’ll keep this our little secret?……..this is yet another married man who IMO has no respect for his wife (he was insulting almost everything about her) especially since she was some what aware that he was ignoring her and talking to another female…once again it’s not my place to tell him to fix his issues with his wife…

 

So I do not feel the need to describe every other man’s attempt at getting me to call them but clearly they are all open to affairs (I swear the DMV has the highest rate of cheating)…I had no interest in “chasing” these men and if I get bored I might call one or two of them (but none of them really stood out to me to have the burning desire to want to purse anything casual)…but if I don’t call they’re going to continue looking for women who are not their wives and eventually find one who is willing to start an affair with them…

There are some women who exclusively chase married men…that’s not really my style to chase any man but if a married man wants to pursue something casual and I am okay with it, I’m not sure why people feel I owe a loyalty to a woman who is not a friend or family member…

 

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Can you stop an affair before it happens?

All things aside if your husband wants to cheat…he will!  However, outside of fixing your actual marriage issues…can you pick up on women like me and do something about it?  BB’s wife practically ordered him to stay away from me, she said our friendship was too friendly and she didn’t think it was appropriate…he tried to listen to her for a few months but eventually he came running back to my friendship.  DL’s wife called me at his office when I did an internship there and threatened me to stay away from her husband but the only problem was that opened me up to knowing her husband was interested in me…we hadn’t done anything YET.  GH’s wife told him she thought I was a nice person but entirely too flirty and attractive to be around married men and she told him to unfriend me on Facebook, too bad she didn’t tell him to stop texting me and stay out of my bed. 

My point is most women pick up on women like me and attempt to get me out of their marriage before I do much damage but what is the best way to go about this? 

-I do not recommend directly approaching the woman the way DL’s wife did…yes, I assume her husband was getting home and talking about me entirely too much and possibly mentioning that we occasionally went out to a happy hour or lunch/dinner BUT a spiteful woman like me will see this as a green light..I had no idea DL had any interest in me before this point…..I think a better way for her to have handled this would have been to have a conversation with her husband about appropriate boundaries with a female who is single (sometimes men do not realize they are crossing lines)…I think women like this are also smart if they attempt to be nice to the lady in question (keep your friend’s close and enemies closer). 

-When you expect your husband to set boundaries such as GH’s wife make sure he either sets them appropriately by backing off slowly or makes the idea come from himself…when a man tells me “my wife says I have to”, “my wife told me to tell you”, etc…it pretty much makes it clear that the man is only doing something to appease his wife and isn’t serious about anything he is saying…also, if your husband doesn’t agree with your decision he most likely will not stick to it

-Realize why your husband feels the need to be so close to another woman, BB and I most likely would have never had sex if large amounts of alcohol were involved but his wife saw almost immediately that our friendship was turning into an emotional affair…BB’s wife asked him to stop talking to me and he tried to but as he said, that forced him to get rid of his best friend and he had no one to talk to about anything.  That person should have been his wife but he feels their relationship is lacking in the communication department…he also gets frustrated at how quickly she throws him under the bus after a serious conversation and uses his “weak” moments (anytime he is emotional) against him.  BB actually respected his marriage and loves his wife but since that one aspect is missing she asked him to get rid of something that everyone needs…a best friend……if she had bothered to actually connect with her husband, I would have never had the chance to turn our friendship into an affair. 

 

These are just three examples of many where women saw an issue arise but handled it badly, I think setting boundaries in a marriage before things even come to this is also extremely important.  People have different definitions of cheating and things as simple as flirting can cross lines for some women whereas other women literally do not care as long as their husband’s penis stays out of another woman.  Making sure that you are always a known presence in your husband’s life can deter certain women but making sure your husband does not let a woman like me get too close for comfort is up to him.  Letting your husband know that you expect him to maintain boundaries and respect your relationship is something every woman has a right to do and if he’s unwilling to do it, how much does he really value the relationship?

 

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Using sex to get revenge (I do this a lot)

I remember the first day I met Todd’s wife, Colleen (names have been changed)…I immediately did not trust her but she was close to one of my best friends so I figured I’d give her a chance.  I used to listen to her whine about how her 7 month old son had passed away recently (I’m not heartless but I do not think EVERYONE you come across needs to know something like this) and listen to how perfect her marriage was (I always laugh when women think their marriage is perfect)…I was never jealous of Colleen, in fact jealousy is an emotion I do not think I’m capable of but I just got sick of her sneaky ways…when she originally met my friend they were co-workers but Colleen was eventually promoted over my friend.  Fast forward a few months and my friend called me in tears to tell me that her company was accusing her of stealing money but after a long investigation her company found that it was Colleen stealing money and trying to frame my friend.  I do not do well with people attack my friends or family and that was one of the worst things Colleen could have done because I was going to make her perfect marriage a living hell. 

It wasn’t hard for me to get close to Todd…he seemed quite willing to come over and do little odd jobs around my house and Colleen was entirely too happy to come with him (lack of trust?) but I’m not shy about flirting and I’ll flirt with a married man in front of his wife…Todd was no different.  I texted Todd one day and found out he was alone at his office and figured I’d stop by and see if I could get what I wanted from him.  When I got there Todd wasted no time flirting back with me and eventually had me sitting on his desk with his face in between my legs (luckily I rarely wear panties and I had planned this anyway)…I couldn’t stand Todd and was almost repulsed by him so his consistent efforts to make me have an orgasm went no where…I heard his cell phone ring many times during this but figured if he was ignoring it…I shouldn’t bother either…eventually I realized I’d have to have sex with him so I reached for my purse and grabbed a condom…still listening to him ignore his cell phone but as I played with the condom and stalled he went soft so he went right back to using his tongue to attempt to pleasure me so he could regain an erection (I honestly felt bad for him at this point he was so determined to make something happen that would never happen) but almost on cue his office door opened (this was extremely stupid of us to be doing it in an unlocked office but I didn’t work for the company so I figured this was his issue to deal with if his boss walked in) however I could not have planned this out better because it was Colleen who stormed in the door and stared at her husband standing there naked from his waist down…clearly doing something with me…I took her shock to my advantage as I pushed past her and said “we didn’t use a condom…I bet I could give him a healthy baby” before running to my car and calling my friend and laughing about what I had just done to get Colleen back. 

 

I know many people read this story and now think I need therapy and must be a sociopath but sex is the one thing I know very well and yes, I proudly use it as a weapon sometimes.  I know a few other women who do this and it’s not always anger directed towards a woman (sorry ladies, sometimes your man cheating was a result of him screwing someone over and someone like me being bitter about it).  Ladies should look at their marriage as something to protect…I always laugh when women like Colleen brag about their men and then show clear signs of insecurity it almost becomes a game for me to sleep with their husband just to knock them down a few pegs…I find these men the hardest to sleep with because normally I have no true attraction to them but sex is sex and nothing special in my world so I suck it up and have my fun. 

 

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A guide for a wife to get rid of her husband’s mistress

I always laugh when women call me with their little threats about “leave my husband alone”…and then I get a text/call from their husband later on apologizing for their wife and asking when we can get together again…I don’t know what these women are thinking but they need to realize the man they married is an adult and will make his own decisions…

First off, if you want the other woman out of your relationship your husband needs to tell her…he is the one who invited me in and should be the one who tells me to leave…if he doesn’t tell me to leave and stick to his guns about it, that should give you a hint about how serious he is about ending the affair…if your husband isn’t serious about getting rid of me…there is absolutely NO WAY for you to get rid of me…

If your husband is willing to get rid of me then after that it is up to you…I know plenty of men who have come running back to me because their wives would pick fights since they were unable to get an affair out of their head…I think most women hold onto the hurt and pain because they are unsure how to get over it but at the same time they also seem to think it is ammo for every fight/argument in the future…I have always thought it was unfair to tell a man you want to work on a relationship and continue to throw an affair in his face everyday…you’re also not doing much to repair your broken relationship…

There’s no easy way to get over what your husband did but if you agree to trust him again you need to work on building that trust but hounding your husband everyday, doing random drive bys of where he is supposed to be, obsessively searching the phone bill, giving yourself anxiety when he says he’s going on a business trip, etc…that’s not real trust and you need to slowly build that back up and work on getting your relationship stronger and stalking your husband while claiming fake trust is not the best way to do that…you can start out using the trust but verify method and most importantly keep the lines of communication open but eventually you’re going to have to trust your husband when he steps away to take a phone call or comes home late and realize that even though he made bad decisions in the past he is not making them now (if you believe he is…why are you with him?)

As the other woman I’m often asked how I would feel if my man cheated on me…and there is no easy answer to this…I think it would come down to the reason he cheated…unlike most women cheating is NOT a deal breaker to me in a relationship (I say this all the time but I suppose I should explain it)…I am okay working through cheating if it was a drunk one night stand that accidentally happened or if there are underlying issues in the relationship that we can work on and fix (both of us need to be willing to work on them) but some of the circumstances around cheating are deal breakers for me…if my man broke plans with me to be another woman, was uncaring about my feelings and blatantly lied to me (not just hiding the truth but actually lying) to carry on the affair I do not think I would get over those things…mainly because it shows such a blatant disregard for a woman’s feelings and a lack of respect for her that there is no point dealing with someone like that (he’s most likely the type that will continue to cheat anyway)…

I think a lot of people seem to forget that we get into relationships to relate to each other and that involves good times and bad times…you open yourselves up because you feel the risks outweigh the possibility of getting hurt and yes, finding out your husband has been with a woman like me hurts a LOT but if your husband is trying to work on his mistake and get me out your relationship…maybe you should try to also..we’re all human we all make mistakes…sadly some have worse consequences than others but should you base your ENTIRE relationship on one mistake?  and if you’re so quick to call a relationship quits every time it gets hard….how real was your relationship to begin with? 

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Letting the other woman destroy your self esteem

So, I’ve noticed a common thread with women who have been cheated on…they obviously want to know why their husband ended up in my bed (seriously, my sex skills are amazing) but before even evaluating an affair for what it really is or even letting their husband give them a real answer they seem to think I am better than them…as a fellow female this slightly crushes me…I personally am lucky enough to have the body of a runway model (thanks to an amazing personal trainer, a fairly good idea of what to eat and decent genes) but I’m nothing special…I rarely wear makeup, I am very girlie when I dress but I do not keep my nails done 24-7 and I only hit the salon once a week for my hair….I can tell the few women who have seen me have sized me up immediately and wondered “ew, why her?” or “she’s not really more attractive than me, is she?”…the short answer is no, I am not…I am nothing special…I am like every other female, fairly average with a few special talents and honestly most likely nothing like you.  So why did your husband pick me?  I sadly cannot answer that for EVERYONE but there seem to be some common things I have noticed about men…

-I am easy to talk to…I think this has to do with my personality (I am EVERYONE’S best friend) but even so I’ve noticed plenty of men have conversations with me that should be saved for their wife…I hear it all from men…fears, problems, daily stress, marriage issues, issues with children, thoughts in general, etc…I’ve asked a few men why they do not speak to their wives about these things and they are quick to say “she doesn’t understand me” (no one understand men, wtf do they expect?!), “she’s not as easy to talk to as you are”, “she’s so judgmental” (women, we often want men to listen to us “just talk” so why don’t we do it for them?), “I can’t connect with her”, etc…  This is something to consider women, every long term affair I have ever had has started off as an emotional affair and even if you’re speaking to your husband, are you connecting with him?

-I am “fun”and I love to sexually satisfy the man I’m with…I have mastered the art of flirting with men..I enjoy sexy lingerie when men are around…I am a complete freak in bed…these are all things I hear men complain about wives not doing, refusing to do or being so reluctant to do that it would never be enjoyable for a man…I question women who refuse to sexually satisfy their men…I often hear of women putting their husband on sex restrictions or flat out refusing to do things in bed that their husband enjoys…I feel as if these women are setting themselves up to be cheated on…men will be men and I am not advocating turning yourself into someone you’re not to please your husband (he should know the real you anyway) but he should be satisfied and know you find him attractive…this won’t make your relationship “cheat proof” but it’s one less urge he’ll look to other women to fulfill

Those are two major reasons it’s easy for me to get married men (and single men when I want them) and this is why it crushes me when women start to questions themselves too much and act as if there is something wrong with them…I would immediately advise wives not to let these thoughts cross your mind…you’re going to beat yourself up and possibly crush your self esteem thinking things that aren’t true…even if your husband has left you for another woman a lot of times it’s because of deeper issues that he had (not you)…

JTM and I met while I was out running and there was no hiding that he was attracted to me…his wife took the kids on a vacation for a month to visit her parents back home and he immediately saw that as his opportunity to have me over to the house.  I looked at plenty of their pictures and even noticed their marriage certificate above their bed and figured that they were a decently happy family.  I got the feeling maybe JTM was married to a woman who was slightly controlling, possibly did not give him enough attention or maybe his wife never actually spoke to him (being active duty military and coming from a war zone probably requires professional help but a caring wife probably goes a long way too).  JTM started off with slight respect to a certain extent and the first few times we just hung out and talked and had a few drinks…it wasn’t until one night in tears talking to me about a traumatic experience that he kissed me and we had sex on his sofa.  After that night he seemed to not be able to get enough of me and often wanted me in the bed he shared with his wife (even I had a slight issue doing that but I got over it) and unfortunately that lead to a pair of my panties being left under their bed.  When his wife got back from vacation she found them and seemed to honestly WANT to believe his story of “I put them there to see if you would trust me” but she dug a bit deeper and contacted me (along with a bunch of her friends who had their own opinions of me).  I sucked it up and just told her the truth since he was also on the phone and I saw no further reason to lie to her and she broken down in tears and then talked to me about how disgusted she was that I had done that in her house and in her bed (not that I cared too much how she felt).
She indirectly kept in contact with me and apologized eventually for the attempted insults and supposedly they repaired their marriage…she told me outside of knowing her husband had cheated she had found my panties and knew that I was so much slimmer than her and also wore sexier clothes than her.  She said she had gotten it in her head almost immediately that her husband did not want her because she was fat, couldn’t dress and was most likely bad in bed.  I decided to be nice and realistic about the conversations I’d had with her husband and let her know none of that was true and he actually told me how much he loved her and their family quite often.  I told her I had seen her pictures and I might have been a smaller size but she wasn’t the unattractive woman she had seemed to paint herself to be in head and that if she was in fact trying to reconcile her marriage those thoughts were useless.  She thanked me for speaking with her and apologized again…and begged me to contact her if her husband ever tried to get in contact with me again.  I never heard from her again (luckily) and I ignored the random texts from her husband (I figured I didn’t need to let her know about them either I didn’t owe her anything)
She was the first wife to contact me and let me know how she felt without being too psycho and it has made me realize from that day…women should not belittle themselves…no matter what…

 

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