Making a marriage work

Yes!  Shockingly I am blogging about what will make a relationship work and I will continue to do a few random blogs on this…

First off I am a big advocate of couples therapy…having a mediator and a weekly or bi-weekly set time to discuss issues and have open communication can do wonders for every relationship.  Even before a marriage though I think premarital counseling is something worthwhile to discuss potential issues that might come up and have you both go into the relationship with a similar mindset.  Going into a marriage with the correct mindset is everything!  You need to go have the mentality that it will not be perfect but it is worth working for and you will continue to relate to each other in this “relationship” no matter what.  Getting a divorce is always the easy way out and when you stop relating to your significant other you leave room for another woman like me to enter your relationship.

 

 

Some positivity

So recently I’ve been asked to publish new posts and within that there was one person who asked if I ever believe that relationships work….the simple answer to that is YES but I believe very few relationships work so I figured every once in awhile I’ll do a post like this and post links to some relationship articles that I feel are worthwhile…

“Nine Psychological tasks for a good marriage”

http://www.apa.org/helpcenter/marriage.aspx

I agree with all 9 of the ideas stated in this article…when I am able to get into a marriage and really tear one up it’s normally because of one these.

“Cuddling May Be Key to Long-Term Happy Relationship”

http://www.womenshealth.gov/news/english/654605.htm

I completely agree with this article because all of the best relationships I have had are because my partner and I have almost always been militant about this type of intimacy.

 

And for a positive story….

I met a guy in a bar the other night and after buying me a few rounds of drinks and originally talking nonstop about his wife he started to get a bit touchy with me.  He mentioned the many years of their relationship and how they hadn’t all been amazing but they had done it all together and she happened to be out of town and asked me if I wanted to come over.  I thought about it at first (just because of the lack of safety) and before I could answer he politely rescinded his offer.  He mentioned how  even though he loved the fantasy of meeting a younger woman in a bar and taking her home he couldn’t do that to his wife because he loved her too much.  I was actually quite happy to hear this and I hope a few men can learn from this example.

Where are my morals?

Okay, so the one question I seem to get asked a lot is “do I feel bad knowing I’m hurting another female/family? etc” and my honest answer is no…

I look at it this way…your relationship is not my responsibility and yes, I think most of the married men I sleep with are dogs (in fact I do not think highly of men at all) but if I want to get off and your husband is willing to do so well it’s him that decided to weigh the pros and cons of your relationship and have an affair with me…..I guess that seems a bit harsh but outside of my friends and family I do not feel I have alliances to any females based on the fact that we share the same genitalia…

The other thing I sort of wanted to touch on in this post comes from a conversation I had with a friend last night…her husband’s best friend had been caught having an affair and she “felt bad” for the guy because of how he would be viewed by others from now…honestly I’ve never really understood why so many people seem to view men as these helpless idiots that are powerless against the “charms” of women…I think back to some of the men I’ve had affairs with they made conscious decisions to have an affair with me…starting with basic contact, dates, booking hotels, buying me gifts, right down to actually having sex with me and even taking it further into emotional affairs at times…I’ve never understood why people seem to sympathize with these men that obviously knew what their actions would lead to and they decided that a few minutes of pleasure with a women like me was more important than other relationships in their lives…so why is it all of a sudden everyone should care about their feelings?
I’m not saying that we should judge them or act like we’re all perfect but I don’t understand the sudden sympathy felt towards them…

Husband vs. Wife

So I just had a conversation with one of my amazing friends that I feel the need to slightly vent in this post.  It’s a bit off topic but it’s something I’ve noticed about women and she has also…

A good friend of mine we’ll call him S hit me up the other night and told me his wife would probably be in need of a good friend when I asked him why he told me point blank that last night he rolled over in bed and told her point blank she was not pleasing him in bed and he was going to start sleeping with other women.  He explained that it’s something he was going to do and it was not a topic that was up for discussion in his mind but he would be careful not to rub it in her face and he would make sure she would never know who it was with or when it happened.  He then continued on to explain that when they got married he lied to her thinking he’d be able to be with one woman for the rest of his life and he feels an undying need to destroy things including their relationship but he still loves her and wants their family (baby on the way) to remain in tact.  He asked me to talk to her because as most of my friends know I seem to think like a guy to a certain extent and I completely believe in sex without emotion or feelings, most of my relationships are “open” and it’s probably how I manage not to ever get attached to men.

When I talked to his wife she was obviously upset about the situation and sat around crying on my shoulder telling me with a new baby on the way hearing the man she loved tell her she wasn’t enough hurt a lot.  I listened to her cry and told her point blank that when I had a fling with her husband (before they were together) I never saw any redeeming relationship qualities in him…he was just amazing in bed (which based on her stories she never even took advantage of) and that was it.  She eventually came to the conclusion that she would just have to put up with this because she loves S and wanted him to be happy and content even if it made her miserable.

This goes back to the conversation I had with my friend earlier…why is it so many women are willing to put up with crap that a man would never put up with?  Men are always so vocal about what’s going on with them and what makes them happy…S told his wife point blank he’d be pissed and leave her immediately if she ever tried to sleep with another man but he thinks it’s okay for him to sleep with other random women????  I also wonder about some of the wives that knew their husbands were sleeping with me and kept their mouths shut about it…it makes me wonder why women constantly act like such idiots and let men walk all over us…I’m not even saying take it to the next level and get too vocal or physical about things like this but what posses you to stay with a man who clearly has no respect for you or your relationship?

I’ve been with men who obviously still love their wives and just need more satisfaction outside of the bedroom but I’ve noticed that while a man will go get what he wants from a woman like me a women will fake an orgasm or keep quiet about terrible sex at the risk of what????  I’ve always wondered why women put up with crap and men do not….

How I pick a cheater…

Many women ask me how I can tell up front if a man is willing to cheat or not well there’s no catch all or end all be all but here are a few signs….

1.  He looks for excuses to not go home…this can be anywhere from staying at work longer to staying at the bar later….true something bad might have happened one night but if it’s night after night and he’s not rushing to get home to his wife (and children) that’s usually a sign he does not wanna be there…

2.  He is willing to insult his wife to me (this is my favorite one)…a man that will sit and talk negatively about his wife even in a joking manner is a man that is willing to have an affair and one that I will NEVER back off of…I’ve had men sit for hours and talk about how their wives do not keep the house clean, do not take care of them in bed, are bitches, are no longer attractive, and they even go so far as to joke that they want to send their wives the flirty texts that I send them just to rub it in their wife’s face that SOMEONE wants them…this is an important one ladies.  Probably the most important one take care of your husbands I do not know how much I can stress that especially if there is a woman like me around because the second he opens up your relationship to a women like me there’s no point of return.

3.  Everything I say/do is amazing…yes, I’m new and yes I’m fun but their wife should be too and if your man is focused on me and my accomplishments well that’s a red flag…I’ve had some of the few women who have found out about me and confronted me even tell me they sort of knew something was going on because their husbands all of a sudden came home and started talking about the amazing new girl they’d met…if this happens ladies find some way to turn the attention back on yourselves….

There are obviously many more ways to actually tell but these are the top 3 signs I use…I’ve also found that because of being the other woman for so long when my female friends come to me with questions about sneaky men I am almost 100% accurate on their cheating here is how I can tell if a man is a cheater…

1.  This is an obvious one but he lies for seemingly no reason and when he’s caught he flips the blame on you and asks you why you’re checking up on him…your man should not lie about where he is, where he’s going, where he has been, etc. if he does there’s an obvious reason for it and it’s even worse if he tries to make you out to be the bad guy for confronting him about it…

2.  His normal routine changes…is he all of a sudden adding an extra shower in the second he comes home (because he doesn’t want you to smell me)?  is he in general spending less time at home and more time at places you cannot actually reach him at?  this isn’t always a sign of cheating but it’s something to watch for if it happens overnight and without any specific reason…I might be taking up more of his spare time than you realize…

3.  Are you fighting more than normal?  As the other woman I have to maintain an almost “perfect” life in your husband’s eyes…he’ll never hear about a terrible day from me or hear me complain that he doesn’t do something but I will tell him how amazing he is, how good he makes me feel and send him messages to make him smile whenever I can…….if your husband is all of a sudden picking fights with you over seemingly small things that’s another red flag…there could be a woman like me in the picture making him feel good about himself and he’ll find every excuse to go off on you so he can tell me all about his bitch wife the next time we speak….he’ll also view everything you do as nagging because I don’t do it…

4.  Is he talking about me?  This also again isn’t always a sign of cheating but it is a sign of your husband’s infatuation with me….are you always hearing about a funny joke I said?  a dress I wore?  charity work I did?  etc…  depending on how your husband meets me discretion might not be a strong point of his especially if I’m a new girl at work or someone you’d feel slightly non threatened by to begin with….if you’re hearing a lot about me I’m obviously in your husband’s mind for a reason

5.  has your relationship changed?  is your husband all of a sudden distant?  do you no longer speak?  if that’s the case…maybe he’s speaking to me…because I will not berate him and make him think less of himself for any reason…I’ll simply offer my opinion if he asks and leave it at that…

 

Just a bit of insight into what some of you women should be looking for….

Fix your marraige before your husband finds me….

So, I guess I should be slightly flattered at the colorful emails I received from some of you and one of the constant issues was how I am intentionally hurting other “innocent” females…I’ll never outright say the woman is to blame in an affair but as a woman you are responsible for taking care of certain needs of your husband…I almost feel as if the feminine movement has gone much too far…so this next affair is obviously one that’s not so recent but I felt the need to share because females are not always so innocent….

I met DG when I was just starting high school and he had been happily married for 7 years at that point…I met him because I was actually dating one of his employees at the time and he became almost like an uncle to me……..he was in his early 30′s which was old enough to have life experience but young enough to understand how much it sucked to be a teenager.  I can’t say I pursued him but we did chat on and off for YEARS and my relationship with him obviously outlasted my short lived relationship with his employee.  He was always there for me through break ups, bad grades, parent issues, etc. as a voice of reason and understanding and even the couple times I did try flirting with him he’d say he was flattered but happily married and he was no longer interested in random hook ups.

I even got to see his “happy marriage” first hand because about a year after I met him his wife hired me to be their babysitter.  His children loved me, he loved me and both of them trusted me with their children so you couldn’t get much better than that in terms of a sitter…plus I had fairly strict parents (believe it or not) so even if I was babysitting it was a treat for me to get out of the house.   I can’t say a change in their relationship happened overnight but I gradually saw it even as an outsider and talking to DG so much he started to confide in me…at the time I was about 17 so I figured that marriage counseling was the best thing I could suggest to him…I guess he figured I wasn’t qualified to give him any sound advice other then that but he did take my suggestion and present it to his wife…over the next eight months I watched him beg his wife to go with him so they could work on their relationship and I continued to hear the stories and watch through the many visits to the house (as their babysitter) the once happy family I knew slowly rip apart at the seams…

I really knew there were serious issues with this marriage when DG stopped being flattered by my flirting but he started returning my advances and even admitting a few times that he intentionally avoided being around me because he couldn’t control himself…he was however still like a caring uncle and this was about the time I hit my wild party stage…he was often the responsible one in my life leaving his office after a long day and night of work to pick my friends and I up from a bar or a house party and drop us off at home which probably saved my life so many times and for that I will always be grateful….

The first night DG and I ever did anything I remember clearly even though at that point I was closer to having an alcohol blood level instead of a blood alcohol level…I could tell he was trying to avoid going home and he had driven my best friend and I to her house and took me inside to her guest room…normally at this point he would’ve left so I was surprised when I came out of the bathroom half naked and he was still sitting on the bed…luckily I’ve never been shy about being naked and well the alcohol didn’t help much either but at that point I wanted him and I couldn’t care less about what that would do to the relationships in his life….I climbed under the covers and turned on the TV and let him sit there for a bit before asking him if he wanted to join me under the covers…he spooned me for awhile and started kissing the back of my neck before whispering “why can’t you be her”…as much as I did not really want to know the answer I asked him if “her” was his wife and he nodded so I responded with “pretend I’m her, just for tonight”…even to this day years later I’ve never had a man show the passion that DG showed that night and it was amazing, even now he’s one of the most passionate men I have sex with and I have to wonder how his wife can just miss out on that…….

I’m not sure what DG told his wife the next day or for the next few months but I think she knew what was going on but did not want to ask because confirming it would just be making a nightmare real to her but sadly when her husband blew her off for me on his 40th birthday she could no longer ignore it…she left me a long message that night on my cell phone asking me how and why I could take her husband from her so I sent her a simple text which she never responded to…”you pushed him away and into my bed”

 

 

I’m not sure where or how this will end because it hasn’t ended yet…she refuses to divorce him for whatever reasons and DG will always hold a place in my life…even if we’re not always intimate with each other…..

Granted there are two sides to every story but DG never pretended to be a perfect husband or a perfect father…if a man is being pushed away though every time he tries to fix something you’ll eventually push him into another woman’s bed…

Unsure of an affair

I walked into JCS (a bar) and sat next to WS…he was an adorable man I wasn’t sure at first if he was as willing to ignore the wedding ring on his finger but I was and that was all that mattered to me…after a few minutes of mindless chat he brought up his wife and actually talked to her on the phone which made me smile because I could definitely read through the lines and as much as he was trying to avoid me I knew the evening would end up with he and I in bed.  I found out all his basics mainly his job, that he was in town for business,  married for five years and was extremely unhappy with his wife…

I know this sounds a bit odd coming from a girl like me but I have a serious issue with men who sit and do nothing but trash their significant other especially to the woman they’re about to cheat on her with…it seems extremely tacky and I do not want to hear about how your wife can’t cook, can’t clean, is terrible in bed, etc….so after listening to WS complain about this for at least an hour I had to smile…not only did I have plans to sleep with this man…I now had plans to make sure his wife found out exactly how much of a pig her man was….

I had arrived at the bar with some friends so when WS was invited to a post-bar party at my friend’s out I was surprised he actually came…it seemed as though he had even forgotten he was married or maybe he genuinely did not care about this woman who he spent hours trashing at the bar and at my friend’s house after he left the bar….it was not until after we left my friend’s house that I made my move and asked if he wanted to sober up together in his hotel room…he immediately agreed so after a quick stop at CVS for Gatorade, water and condoms (always safe) we were in his hotel room and he wasted almost no time by making the first move and passionately kissing me…

The kissing which started on the sofa eventually found us on the bed and he slowly undressed me and started kissing every inch of my body which surprised me that he was being so passionate with a complete stranger…it also surprised me that he seemed so unwilling to wear a condom but I told him if he didn’t put one on he was done for the night so he eventually agreed…I won’t go too much into the rest of the details because I happen to know his wife is reading this and I think a play by play of what her husband did with me is more than she can handle so let’s just say he confirmed many times not only to me that I rocked his world and it was the best sex of his life to date…sadly this boy was going pay dearly for sex with me because the second he passed out I unlocked his phone and got his wife’s phone number and sent her a text as I walked out of the hotel room letting her know that her husband was fairly decent in bed and thanking her for allowing me to borrow him for the night…

I had to give this woman credit she really wanted to believe her husband would never have an affair and immediately responded with that but eventually came to her senses that there is no reason a random girl from the DMV would hit her up and her husband eventually came clean from what I could tell….he swears they’ll work through this…but for her sake I hope she finds better….

 

Lessons learned for women:
-if your husband is away on business suggest he orders take out/deliver and eats in his room that way he won’t meet a girl at a bar
-if you call your husband and he’s sitting at a bar with a female ask him to call you when he’s back in the room and keep him on the phone for awhile even if you trust him…there are women like me in the world
-make sure your man is happy at home…this man spoke for hours about how bad sex was with his wife, how messy the house was, how bad of a cook she was, etc…if you feel it’s not your job to take care of your man’s needs then join the femi-nazi’s or realize another female will take care of some of his needs